“your gift to design”

So we talked in the previous writing about what the idea of “Middletonism” could be, an attempt at defining what makes myself unique in a field where many are doing the same. At my residency in Colorado this past July, I was asked the following question by Natalia; “What do you think the gift you are willing to give to design is?”

I think I took that question a little harshly. I started by simply saying my intentions in the field, donning the mask once again. Suddenly, a clear shift is noticeable, and I start attacking the question itself. I know I’m breaking the rules by sharing this (Natalia asked us not to share our words with others), but comparing it to the writing previously I find it to be very interesting to dissect.

What do you think the gift you are willing to give to design is?

“I want to make people think about the world from new perspectives outside of established canons, through the lens of storytelling and media.

I view many things from a different outside perspective, practicing and studying anarchistic viewpoints, connecting media, music, games, and other stories into the greater narrative of the design ethos. Let's talk about, rather than how I do that, instead how I can start to do that more.

The chemical slurry of designer, anarchist, young video essayist, photographer, multimedia creator, artist, writer, storyteller. I want to acquire those labels for myself as I venture further into VCFA and push myself into a world where I can both make for myself, and simultaneously create value for the world.

I want to entertain, create meaningful discussions, and foster more empathetic and creative thought all wrapped up in a pretty package for the viewer to easily digest. I want to talk about the world and how it operates, and show my students how that work may not be different now, but how it can be in the future.

Let's be honest, living sometimes isn't really the best thing, yet something we have to do. We're born into the world not of our own volition but instead of the choices of others. I think the key factor here then is what we make of this life we've been (forcibly) given.

Many are caught up in the belief that they must give a “gift” to society, that they are in debt to the government or an organization over them for allowing them to live peacefully. I don't follow that train of thought, especially in the context of a capitalist society that requires you to pay into the very idea of being alive in the first place.

It is not selfish, or evil, to want to rest on a beach and watch the waves. It is not selfish, or evil, to expect education and housing to be free. It is not selfish, or evil to want to be free from the chains of currency.

That being said, it is up to you to decide whether you wish to share a gift to society. There is no requirement that you have to. Your work or art can be meaningful to you, instead of others. Not all work has to be for others.

I chose, not of my own volition, but out of necessity. The freedom of choice in modern society is an illusion. I must make monetary gains for my services, I must provide a gift. The question then lies in the nature of our choice and our field, and how we can make the most of our situation and figure out how to live happily in this environment.”

So much here aligns very well with what I said before, but there is a key difference between this and that of “What of Middletonism”; the intention to share.

Without any intention to share this, I let loose and allowed myself to freely speak to what I believed. The mask came off, I realized that in this small moment that I was alone in a room with myself, only echoes ringing out. Yet, like a switch being turned on, these words now come out easily as if they were repressed emotions. I had no intention to share, but now I do, and yet I’m still speaking the same way. In my writing, I do not need the mask.

This small writing I made and my others from that session had me thinking all throughout residency, and as I spoke to my beliefs in the conversations that proceeded that day, I found the filter was loosening more and more. Without that key moment, I don’t think I would have answered “What is Middletonism” the same way, I would have donned the mask and talked on and on about my grandiose intentions and ideas about how my work would be.

When did I let myself become so obsessed with work, when did it become more important to me than my personality, when all I needed to answer was “What do I believe?”

I can feel a clear shift in my attitude with writing now. I know that I used to be so caught up in a pressure that I couldn't explain. Teachers, Friends, Family; I felt as if I needed to become great in every person's eyes. This hasn’t gone away completely of course, it’s only human to hope that others will like you for who you are.

When that want becomes a limiter, stopping you from releasing your true thoughts and feelings into the world, this becomes an entirely different problem. Who cares if someone reads my work and scoffs at the idea, calling me a disillusioned anarchist and throwing out my opinions? I need to realize that this work I am doing isn’t for them in the first place. That I’m working not only for myself, but for those who are open enough to be willing to hear these ideas.

Being genuine is not an easy task, but I feel now more than ever it is a necessity for us as a society. We must shatter our masks and bring down the barriers we have built between us. If we are not able to talk to one another, we will come to the conclusion that we must fight to make society better. There are times when that is in fact necessary, but only as an absolute last resort. Even as an anarchist, I can easily see that.

So what should my gift to design be? What should I willingly give to the design world which I am so conflicted on?

I had a great start in this previous writing, but let my frustrations leak out and take over the question. Post residency, post “What is Middletonism?”, how would I answer that question if it was to be asked to me now?

Well, really what I’m doing is propaganda. I want others to believe in my vision for the world, I want them to learn a more empathetic and open response to differing opinions and ideas. A key difference however is that I do not want to force anyone to believe in my ideals. I simply want to offer opposing viewpoints and arguments in a “Hey, have you considered this?” sense. 

This doesn't change the fact that it is still propaganda. Any person with a belief creating with the intention of changing the opinion of another is still making propaganda, whether there is hostile intentions behind those ideas or not.

I believe in a lot of things. I think this is a great strength, a strong moral compass and the ability to critically analyze all things in front of me. I’m natural to opposition, my stream often flows uphill. Together, I can attempt to use these unique abilities of mine to make small changes in the hearts of others. Whether or not that change happens is yet to be seen.

I know one thing clearly now. I want to be here, writing and formulating these thoughts to carry forward to my peers. This time, and possibly for the first time, I’m not working for the sake of others. 

I’m creating work that I want to create, and finding a path in the world that allows myself the freedom to continue making, writing, living, and learning for one more day on this earth.